She Thinks

It's been a minute

I know, I know.

First things first, my good old trusty Dell decided to spit the dummy. Enter the new love of my life, my Macbook Pro.

She's a sexy little bitch, but is yet to be named. Thoughts?

On top of my computer dying, I've done a whole lot of eating on Tuesday nights, checking out some gigs and tossing around the idea for a few more changes in my life.

Now, lets get it a bit straight, i'm not unhappy I am just ... unsatisfied.

TBD, who seems to get mentioned here more than anyone else for some odd reason, worded it perfectly as, 'a vague sense of disappointment'. Not in one thing, all things or anything. It's just there and I need a change, in something. 

Dating has been purposefully uneventful. Is that what's missing? I hope not.

Work is as busy as ever and I still find it challenging, which I need.

Friendship, I am overwhelmed ... as usual. Although I have been having subtle bitch-fights with my closest girlfriend. Who am I kidding, Elle and I are are never subtle in anything we do. So it is often drawn out bitchy aggression, which of course is not ideal. 

Family, well my mother is my mother, nothing out of the usual.

What more is there? Do I need another degree?  Probably, I like school.I also need a permanent job that will pay for my degree...

Do I need a month of intensive yoga? Yea, that would be nice. Can I do it in Perth? Nope, I would succumb to the lure of alcohol here in Perth. I need a month in India. Can I afford it? No. See macbook purchase and recent trip to the US.

What can I do, today, tonight, right effing now? Well, I can go to more bikram yoga. I can walk to work, it reminds me that I live in a proper city. I can write, more. I can work really hard. Learn some new recipes, genres, ect.

So here we go, I am going to be a walking to work, yoga taking, sushi making, blog writing, workaholic. Don't I sound fun?

What I have to not do is get too caught up the emotional fuckedness of the ex. Not Bear, not TBD, but Cyanide. I haven't mentioned him here before, I guess you save the best for last.

Now when I say best, I don't mean that in the most positive way, more in the entertaining light. He was and still is a pretty big fuckwit. Regardless, a fuckwit I love. I think ... no wait, I know. I do love him, on some level.

After almost three years of off again, on again, not talking, only talking, loving, hating this emotional rollercoaster is going to stop. I have no choice ... he's going. Leaving. for. good.itisnotajokethistime. whoa.

This week. fuck.

So yes, not the best week to realize I need to make a change.

This overall feeling of feeling of disappointment isn't about Cyanide, but him leaving doesn't help.

Fuck.

Pie Charts are fun!

This is from way earlier in the year, but I often think about it because it's so funny. I almost pissed myself when finalized it.Who makes a pie chart about a break up?  Yas does.

TBD, actually came up with the idea but had forgotten by the time I sent it to him.

Recently I sent him an email asking him to turn it into a jpeg so I could post it. After further review he wanted to say, "Yeah, it is pretty accurate although I think Fasntastico stuff deserves more than 29%"

He's probably right, because after all this time I still find myself literally laughing out loud at our engaging email debates and obscure observations. Although he's not a keeper in the sense where I want to take him to bed, have his children and buy a sedan but he's going to be around, in my thoughts/inbox and  pizza/pint afternoons for ... some amount of lengthy time. I like specifics. 

Ex Perceptions

After discussing why I haven't been all that bothered by breakup before 2009 my ex 'something'  (who I will refer to as TBD until he comes up with a nickname) said,  

"If a breakup didn't hurt, that's saying something. They always hurt. Even if you initiate it - which I know you didn't, but you nearly did - you were about to in some ways. I think that was one of the awesome things about 500 Days of Summer - the scene towards the end where she was crying suddenly as she realised she needed to break up with him. It was just so perceptively done."

Valid insight from a ex somethingerrather, totes weird.

Was I going to end it?  Maybe at the beginning I was a bit overwhelmed, but I had just reached a stage where I really believed I wanted to give it a fair shot. Isn't that just awesome!? I struggle, at first but I always do and eventually I get over it or I leave. With Bear I made the decision to stay. I remember the exact moment it became clear. Oh well, such is life.  

Is it odd that I turned to an ex for comfort from a current? Yes. Do I care? Nope. 

Honestly, who knows you better in relationship bullshit than an ex? They have been through it all before, right next to you. It all just seems a bit more valid...and insightful.