Ok, so here I am. Facing life … alone. Ok not life, that’s all a bit dramatic, but I
am facing my first Friday night in alone in goodness knows how long.I am so over the top some times ... It’s been a humorous week. Well not really funny, more like
a big fucking slap in the face.
Alone? Yea, without my Bear. Well, he’s actually not mine anymore,
at all. But he was and bear is the best way to describe him. I loved it how his
heavy steps and the weight of his body would make very noticeable noises as he
ran across my 4th floor apartment. He’s a hairy, manly, beautiful,
muscular bear. He was also my boyfriend
until this week.
When I first met Bear, I was preparing for a trip home to the good old US of A. I couldn’t even think about anything other than going back and facing the country I’d left behind. The sex was great but he wasn’t my type, mentally, too nice and considerate. A good country boy, who for some odd reason I just didn’t feel like I could ever truly connect with.
I left on my whirlwind
of a trip and thought about him, more often that I really imagined I ever
would. I even went as far as to call him, multiple times, when I was away much
to the fancy of my mobile company.
I decided to just let it flow, to the best of my ability. I came home and it was on. There were up and
down moments, moments where I couldn’t even face him, he was too kind and I was
too scared to think that this could be IT. You know, IT, the end of the road,
the ONE.
I have this irrational fear, who am I kidding, I have more
than one irrational fear. So many in fact and they seem to be multiplying as I get older.
One thing at a time, I have
this fear that easily creeps in when I meet someone. I become slightly
terrified that they will end up being the ONE. It’s unwarranted, as it could be
as simple as meeting an attractive and intelligent man who asks me out. Once my
number is in his hot little hands, I freak out. Not about him, but what if…
what if that is it? It’s me and him from our first date on, forever. Am I ready? Is he the right guy? WHAT HAVE I DONE?
Ohmyfreakingword, I want to go to Europe with my girlfriends. I want to volunteer
in Africa. HOW AM I GOING TO DO THIS WITH HIM?
Wait a second, is he the LAST person I am ever going to kiss? Oh shite. This could all happen before I even know his
surname. Any rational person, will argue that I am jumping a head of
my self and I have nothing to say other than, ‘Yes .Oh blessed rational person,
you are right’.
So yea, enter Bear. I freak out, I ignore my genuine feelings and brush him off, consistently. Time and time again. You know, because this handsome, genuine man who is crazy about me just can’t be the ONE. I just met him, this is not the end of my ‘fun single’ times. Regardless of my apparent disinterest, he keeps coming back for more, he really liked me. I realize, a day late and a dollar short, this is amazing.
As we all would have guessed by now, eventually Bear exits. As
much as I say it was inevitable, he argues that it wasn’t, it was me sabotaging
our relationship and now, it’s too late to turn back. We’ll see. I hope not. So now I sit here, on my couch drinking somewhat decent white
wine, writing. Finally starting another blog, something I have been meaning to
do for years.
Just think, if Jamie T wouldn’t have contracted laryngitis I would have been dancing my ass off down by the sea. Instead I sit here, writing a blog about my recently departed boyfriend, all while wearing a new string of pearls, red lipstick and a cocktail dress. I just cannot be bothered. Writing and wine seems to be a more valuable option. At least a little less destructive than going out and meeting the next man to sabotage…
Plus, it’s not over yet. Almost, but not done. I think I’ll fight for this one.Rational thought, I have no idea but to be honest right now I just need what I need. I believe it's him. Who knows about forever? I obviously just need to concern myself with the right now...
