Written in April 2009
Attached and a colleague, yay or nay?
After a tumultuous relationship, I fell into an easy friendship with a colleague. He was young, cute and for some reason, he listened to me. I mean really retained what I was saying. After a few weeks of flirting, he asked me for drinks. Feeling alone and unlovable, he smiled upon me. I was his, for then and to be honest, I’d be his again.
He has a girlfriend, but she lives on the other side of the country.
It’s ok, right?
Well that’s what I think,
for the most part. They aren’t married, there are no children and I don’t
assume that they truly are meant for each other, it’s really just a matter of
time. If he really loved her would he still want me around? Wouldn’t
someone bite the bullet and more to be closer to each other?
Do I pursue him?
Occasionally - definitely actively after a few drinks. Does this make me a bad
woman? An Antifeminist? I used to believe in women for women, but I was
younger and naïve.
It started out innocent enough
and will likely end that way. We get together, we flirt, we drink wine, then we
pop in a movie and go to bed. We kiss and cuddle and then some time usually
just after the sun rises, we fall asleep- limbs entangled but fully clothed. Does he want to fuck
me? Yes. Am I game? Yes. Will he? Maybe. Only time will tell.
Will I entice him? Absolutely. I actually look forward to it. I like it when he rolls his eyes at me and walks away muttering, “God, you drive me wild. Fucking Yas, why are you doing this to me?”. I laugh. If one day we do decide to go all the way, I won’t do it in jest or just for fun. My good deed and loyalty to his girlfriend will be, to stop and have that moment of pause.
Are you ready
for this Carter? Are you sure?
Then, we’ll take it from there. The thing is, I like him.
He’s adorable and will make a lovely husband one day. Probably not to me, as I
have a few years on him. He’s just what I need right now. He’s quite in a
thoughtful way. My friends call him Weenie Carter, because for a while he let
me walk all over him.
Not anymore. He’s manned
up, set boundaries with me. It’s appreciated, not so much in the moment
but the next day I thanked him for doing so and told him I hope we can still be
friends. Of course. So we sit here, after setting the boundaries. He calls a
lot on a random Saturday night. He doesn’t invite me over at first. That’s
fine, I’m keeping myself company tonight.
After I send myself into a
warm spinach and ricotta cannelloni food coma I am awakened not by one call,
but a succession of calls that don’t stop until half past four AM. I call him
back, he talks absolute crap. Begging me to come over and promising me that if
I just show up, he would be mine forever. Do I want forever?
At this stage, I’m not interested. I am just interested in the adoration, kindness and the gentle way he manages me. I need to have some faith in men. Outside of my group of male friends, I think men stink. I also halfway believe that those awesome men and the ones like them won’t be interested in me. A chronic symptom of low self esteem, I know this. I also know it is rubbish, that I am a fantastic, beautiful, smart and popular woman with an enviable life. Anyways…
I know better than to give
in. I’m definitely not about to reduce myself to a booty call, especially not
for uncharted territory. What if he doesn’t want to go down on me? Not on the
coldest night of winter. No way jose. I am not taking that gamble. Does he mean it? I’m not
sure. Does he want me? Yes. Am I going to go there? I hope not, but
I wouldn’t put it past me. He did the right thing, he set the boundaries but I
like him and the attention he gives me. At the moment, I need that attention.
Should I stop validating myself through men? Oh yeah- Is that easy? Nope.
So for now, I’ll let Carter pay attention to me. It’s nice. Is this a train wreck about to happen? Maybe, but I’m still standing waiting for my stop but who knows when it will derail? I’ll be here for a few more stops and I don’t feel bad about it.
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