Written in May 2006.
Dear "so called eligible bachelor",
Thank you for your interest in this 25 year old certifiably female, celebrity in her own mind No Hassel* woman (but acts like a girl at times). If you approved to play the role of her "plus one" on occasion you can look forward to the following benefits;
- 35% APS** directly deposited to account for you to spend on her
- Earn 1 mile of DD*** for every smile you place on her face
- Fly her FREE**** any time on a wide array of airlines
- NO blackout dates*****
-
No annual fee-Unlike other 'women' she will let you slide on this one
As an added bonus you can request her presense on occasions special to you (subject to availability and request must be received withing 30 business days of the actual event, she reserves the right to deny and request for any reason, no weddings or family events). If late fees do occur (heaven forbid) charges can accumulate up to and exceeding helping her or her friends/family move in the summer, putting together who ENTIRE bedroom set from Ikea and roadside assistance. If you respond within the next 4 business days you may be entitled to the VIP treatment which includes but is not limited to: acting like you enjoy her mother's "food", picking up her and her group of girls from the bar on girls night out and driving them all home with the possibliy of paying for their Filibertos, sending her flowers for no reason at all even when she is too "busy" to answer your calls, comforting her hysterical side when she doesn't get into her #1 graduate program, accepting the fact that she will never eat the steak you make her, and last but not least spending quality time with her insane (yet adorable to her) family. Hurry to take advantage of this limited time offer! Please check our Terms of Service!*
FOR FASTER SERVICE
Call 1-800-BAD -IDEA
We have her over protective mother and her best friends "soul mates (who needs a man)" take your call. You can get a response in as a little as 4 hours of intense questioning.
Sincerely,
Saranden Siep (her assistant you will talk to more than her)
* No hassle to her ** APS (annual percentage of salary) ***Designated Driving
****Fly her for FREE *****You must check her calendar which is subject to change at any time (seriously ANYTIME)
This information must be resleased by our lawyers in an easy to examine area. She is not ready for a relationship. If you try she will eat you a live. You have to be out of your mind to even think about this offer, she will take advantage of you, guaranteed! You do not love her, your mind is just playing tricks on you. She is not worth the hassle at this time. Oh yeah she is leaving the country for grad school, she just won't tell you until she is pratically boarding the plane. Go after that girl at work. Run far far away.
